You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
