I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
