Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
