So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
