i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
