I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
