Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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