If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
