I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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