he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
