you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
