Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
