Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The Olympian is in my bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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