Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
