i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
