Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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