remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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