Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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