I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
