I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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