it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
