The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
