How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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