apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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