I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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