i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I want her autograph on my taint
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
