Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You're a waste of cheezeits
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
