We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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