i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
