I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
