Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
