Where is the hickey?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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