Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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