So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
