I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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