I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
