Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
