you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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