Just fell off a train. Bad.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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