I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
