just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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