Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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