she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
