the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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