i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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