Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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