There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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