Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i think my tv is drunk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
