I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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