What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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