Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
