found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
