and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
