I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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