I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
