I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
