On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
