Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
