I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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