Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I should be sponsored by Trojan
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
