I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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