We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
