god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize