My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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