Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
only you would photoshop your dick
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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