would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
