Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
