Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
