I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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