I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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