You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
