This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
